However, there’s just no excuse for some of the things my little brother says. At a mere 12 years old, he might be the most intolerant person on the face of the Earth, and yet he seems completely unaware of it. So for your consideration, here is a brief list of some of the horrible things that have left his filthy little mouth. Keep in mind that I do not endorse or support anything you’re about to read and that you should continue at your own discretion.

-

Women:
I agree that women are like a fine wine. The older they get, the better they are, and you get to keep them locked in the cellar.

-

PETA:
Fuck that shit. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a fucking vegetarian.

-

Hillary Clinton:
Hillary Clinton for President? Yeah, a woman bleeding all over the country, that’s just what we need. Civil war once a month, folks.

-

Tolerance:
I’m not racist. I would love to see little black girls and little white girls playing with each other.

-

Muslims:
The only difference between a Muslim and a robot is that one is a mindless, self-destructive killing machine with no emotions, and the other is a robot.

-

Hillary Clinton (Cont’d):
On second thought, maybe we should have a lesbian President. At least then she’d have an excuse to not do dick.

-

Civil rights:
Martin Luther King day, what a joke. How long do you think it took them to realize that making a day off work every time a black man got shot was a bad idea?

-

Age of consent:
Well, you know what they say, if they’re old enough to crawl at least they’re in the right position.

Hey what’s up?

Did you make that YRGB.com site on your own? It’s pretty sweet, I’ll definitely be checking out more of your youtube vids. Did you find what you were looking for in a school yet?

Joshua C. Marcello,
Westwood College Online (www.westwood.edu)

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: Joshua C. Marcello
Subject: Re: Nice Site

Hello Josh,

I’m happy to hear that you like my website, as most other people would consider it to be a waste of time and the primary reason why I have no girlfriend and am still a virgin at age 18. But to answer your question, I did design it myself and have written all of the articles, some of which are literally viewed by tens of people each week. As I am quite sure you’ve read them all by now, I have to know, which one was your favorite?

Also, I still have no idea which college I want to go to. I think I might just win the lottery instead, as that would save me to trouble of having to work and actually accomplish anything during my life. I plan on buying a ticket today and I suppose that after I spend my winnings on a girlfriend to have sex with and an underwater pogo stick, I could invest some of it into getting an education. I’m looking for a college that will expect little effort on my part but will still give me a diploma. Hopefully we can work something out in this regard.

Sincerely,
Sebastian

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From: Joshua C. Marcello
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: Re: Re: Nice Site

Hello Sebastian,

To answer your question, I would have to say, the conversation with you friend Josh about the hobo phone was probably my favorite. I wish you the best of luck on your lottery adventure; I had one once. It is a grand tale filled with suspense, lepricons, four shots of tequila, and an alien abduction, but I am sure it would just bore you so I will spare you the details.

Also I would like to borrow your underwater pogo stick. It will be a nice break from the underwater basket weaving class I am taking at my local recreation center.

As far as college is concerned, I agree with your mentality of getting the most out of doing nothing. As far as I can tell, it would be pointless to waste any real time with your education; what with your thriving website, and pre-paid lottery girlfriend you seem to be pretty set. If by chance this is one of those times where I have misread the situation, I apologize and have attached some program information. In my experience, the amount of effort you have to put into something is correlated to the amount of natural skills one possesses, and their interest in what they are focusing their attention on. It seems like you would be good at any of these programs, and some of them may come easy to you, which would provide you with the ability to get a degree with less effort than others. Best of luck!

Joshua C. Marcello

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From: Mr. Anderson
To: Joshua C. Marcello
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

Josh,

Sorry for the late response. Since our last conversation I have devoted my life to Scientology and therefore cannot gamble as it is against my religion. Otherwise I would be enjoying my underwater pogo stick now instead of conversing with somebody who obviously needs to learn a thing or two of their own and shouldn’t be talking to anybody about education. For your information, those ‘leprechauns’ prefer to be called ‘little people’. Maybe you should accept Xenu into your heart before you burn in hell for your ignorance.

But if there’s one thing that L. Ron Paul, the beloved founder of Scientology, has taught me, it’s the importance of forgiveness. And I have to admit that you make a very compelling argument when it comes to getting a diploma, so I suppose I will give your college a try. Transportation should not be a problem as I own my own car, although it’s fairly old and occasionally breaks down when I’m going 120 MPH on the parkway so I might need you to give me a ride home sometimes. This should not be a problem as you don’t seem to be doing much else with your life.

Also, I need to know if lunch will be provided on campus. If so, please be aware that I am a vegetarian and therefore refuse to eat any kind of meat product. Not because I like animals — I’d have them all killed if I could — but because I hate plants. As I am sure you’ll have no problem meeting these conditions, please go ahead and sign me up. When would you like me to start?

Regards,
Sebastian

.

From: Joshua C. Marcello
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

Sebastian,

I am glad to hear you have found something worthy of your devotion, and I appreciate you extending forgiveness to me on behalf of your religions founder L. Ron Paul for not using the term “little people”. They are people too, and it is hard to remember that sometimes.

It is good to hear you have reliable transportation to our completely online college; that is usually the first question I would ask a student, and it somehow slipped my mind when conversing with you. If you get stuck between your living room and your computer room, I am sure we could help arrange some transportation for you.

As far as our onsite cafeteria, you would have to speak to the buying-party in charge of refrigerator restocking at your local campus to discuss any special provisions in the menu.

Classes start on March 17th, and all you would need to do is apply online at www.westwood.edu assuming your parents/legal guardians were on board with helping you fill out Financial Aid paperwork. There is a standard $50 application fee. Let me know when you get it finished and thanks for the banter, it has been refreshing.

Sincerely,
Joshua C. Marcello

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From: Mr. Anderson
To: Joshua C. Marcello
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

$50 sounds like a little much. Would you be willing to accept my first born child as payment instead?

.

From: Joshua C. Marcello
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

Sebastian,

Unfortunately, due to recent post-9/11 government regulations and global warming, we are not able to accept anything but a credit/debit card, pre-paid Visa, or a direct payment from a checking or savings account. Your best bet would be to sell a kidney. You have two and they are a hot item on the market right now.

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: Joshua C. Marcello
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

You’re one tough businessman, Josh. A real go-getter. I like that about you.

Following your advice, I swapped one of my kidneys to Black Market Tommy for $5.17, and I managed to earn the rest by selling my car to a junkyard down the road. At first they refused to accept it, saying that they only bought scrap metal. But all I had to do was bludgeon it repeatedly with a baseball bat until the engine stopped. It was pretty difficult considering how new the car was but afterwards I was able to trick them into buying the broken parts. Suckers. It’s a good thing your college is imaginary otherwise I might have needed that Lexus.

Regardless, I have sent you a personal check for $50 and you should receive it no later than next Friday. Please let me know when you plan on mailing me my diploma. Or is it also going to be imaginary? If so, do not bother sending it as I will personally come pick it up in my imaginary car and then spend the rest of the day having sex with my imaginary girlfriend.

Imaginary regards,
Sebastian

.

From: Joshua C. Marcello
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Nice Site

Yeah good luck with that.

Joshua C. Marcello

Mariah: Bonjour! ;) 3:05 PM

Me: Hi. 8:14 PM

Mariah: Are you okay? 8:16 PM

Me: Who is this? 8:19 PM

Mariah: I’m really nobody. Just a texting buddy. 8:20 PM

Me: Um, no. Who the fuck are you and why are you texting my boyfriend? 8:21 PM

Mariah: Ha. I’m telling you the truth. I dont even know where in the world you live! Sometimes i just text him when i’m bored. It’s mainly one sided. So no worries. 8:23 PM

Me: So you don’t know who he is but you text him when you’re bored? Yeah right liar. Fuck off. 8:27 PM

Mariah: Haha. I’m not kidding. I have never net him and never will! I don’t see why you’re treating me as a threat. Insecure much? And for that matter, why don’t you just ask him! Mind the profanity please, lets have some class. 8:29 PM

Me: Bitch let me tell you something. You don’t talk shit to me like that. I will kick your ass. 8:37 PM

Mariah: Haha. If I recall correctly, I have not said one derogatory thing, yes? So I take it that you didn’t ask him, huh? It’s sad really..take my advice? Don’t be so irrational. 8:39 PM

Me: So what do you talk to him about anyway? 8:53 PM

Mariah: Nothing really. Just about school or if i’m having a bad day. My friends, issues and stuff. It’s just nice to talk to someone who has no idea who you are they can’t really judge you. You know? And even if they do, you can’t tell. I told you you had nothing to worry about. Just friends is all, if you even want to cal it that. 8:57 PM

Me: Oh my God. I fucking KNEW he was cheating on me. How long has this been going on?! 9:05 PM

Mariah: Ha. I don’t know november. But listen, i’m telling the truth! I text him. That is the extent and limit! It’s about nothing! By the way, why don’t you look up my area code. You’ll see for yourself it’s geographically impossible. Really, he is not cheating on you! I’m not that kind of person. 9:08 PM

Me: I am literally in tears right now. He said he loved me! He shouldn’t be talking to other girls! 9:15 PM

Mariah: No!! Listen, I mean I don’t know you, but i’m sure he does! Honest, I have never never never seen him in person or anything! You have to trust me, I would never want you to shed tears over this! Nothing is happening! I’m just a friend! Please believe me, okay? Why would you think he is cheating on you?? 9:18 PM

Me: Well one time I saw him kissing another girl behind a staircase but he said he was just practicing for a church play. Another time I found a bra under his bed but he said it was a joke from his friends. But I know he wouldn’t be texting another girl unless he was cheating. That is taking it too far. 9:34 PM

Mariah: Listen..i mean i can stop texting him. But hear me out, nothing is going on. I’m so sorry that all that has happened to you. It does seem suspicious. And I know it’s asking a lot to want to keep texting him but i understand completely if you say no. I’ve been in a similar situation like this, i know how you feel. I’m so sorry. But hey you can talk to me about it if you want. He is definitely not cheating on you with me. But if you need someone to talk to. i don’t mind, k? 9:40 PM

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’re a lesbian. My bad. 9:49 PM

Mariah: Ha. I’m not. Think what you will. I’m hetero. I’m just a nice person is all. Maybe that is why I get taken advantage of so much. See? I have sympathy for you and I don’t even know you! And you just called me a lesbian! So what are you going to do about your cheating boyfriend? 9:54 PM

Me: My boyfriend is not cheating on me, lesbo. Fuck off. 9:59 PM

Mariah: Haha. Don’t be mad because he only wants one thing from you. Rather than confronting him about this problem..i bet you’re too scared to say anything. Sad, really. I bet he talks to me more than you. I can read you like an open book, a classic case of insecurity. Oh, and for the record, you were the one who first said he was cheating not me. So why deny it now? Stop acting like you know whats going on, you have no idea and that is what scares you most. 10:04 PM

Me: Whatever. 10:28 PM

Mariah: Suddenly you don’t have much to say. Sad. I think we had a nice chat, no? However, i have early engagements in the morning and am going to sleep. Sweet dreams. Hope he stops cheating on you. That’s got to suck! 10:30 PM

Me: Fuck you. 10:31 PM

Click.

It all started on my 10th birthday, when I decided to run away from home. I had been planing this for some time, but it was still a difficult thing to do. My mother and I have never been very close, so I knew she wouldn’t care, and my asshole of a father left before I was born. Besides, I was young and wanted to have an adventure. What an ignorant little bastard I was.

Before then, my only friend was some rich prick from up the road who constantly bragged about himself and told me I would never become anything. But I had to put up with it, I reasoned, because his grandpa was pretty well-known around the neighborhood and was something of a mentor to me. And besides, my town had like nine fucking people living in it, so unless I didn’t want any friends, I really had no choice.

After that, my entire adolescence involved me moving around from place to place trying to get along with people who didn’t give a shit about me. I eventually teamed up with an Asian guy who was like in his thirties or something, and who only kept me around because he thought I could help him get laid. I didn’t mind, though, because he knew how to cook, and I was poor and hungry. But the best part was that I also got to hang out with this ginger chick. She was as flat as a pancake and could be a bitch at times, sure, but damn was she sexy.

But the bane of my existence had to be this fucking adult couple I had the displeasure of bumping into. You know, the kind that wear matching clothes and finish each other’s sentences? Total fucking creepers. Seriously, these people were always up to something suspicious. Oh, and as if it couldn’t get any stranger, they also owned a hot-air balloon and took their cat everywhere with them. I swear I thought they were stalking me because no matter where I went they somehow managed to cause me problems.

Anyway, the only thing that kept me going was my dream of becoming a Pokemon master.

To the Phone Losers of America,
My best friends online.
How were your holidays?
I hope you’re doing fine.

I’m writing this letter,
To let you all know,
That I think the website is awesome,
And I love The Phone Show.

You’re my hero Brad Carter,
And it really made my day,
When you harassed Dino Allsman.
And then killed JonBenet.

Because of your guidance,
I’m now a master hacker of phones.
Just like yourself,
And Curtis Lee Jones.

I know you like pranks,
So please don’t get pissed,
When those hookers show up,
That I called from Craigslist.

And to the forum users,
I want to say you guys rock.
You’re all like family to me,
Even Murd0c.

I wish you the best,
And I hope you’re so lucky,
To have a very Merry Cactus.
And a Happy New Monkey.

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

My name is Kris Horton, but you can call me Special K.

You probably already know me from my many award-winning hip-hop albums such as “Part Of A Healthy Breakfast” and “In Da Special KKK”, but before I became a billionaire and famous rapper, I lived a very different life. I was abandoned as an infant and raised by wolves for most of my childhood. They taught me the ways of the land, and with their help, I learned how to hunt, fish, and grow the best hash on the West Side.

Respect.

Eventually I left the pack, and before my thirteenth birthday, had done my first successful drive-by. That got the attention of local beauty queen LaFawnda (pictured bottom left) and we shacked up togeather in her Lincoln. It was there that I started my career in music, and shortly after, I wrote my first major hit called “Crank Dat Soulja Boy”. Actually, the original title was suppose to be “Crank Dat Cotton Gin”, but the record industry made me change it for some reason.

But it wasn’t until LaFawnda told me that she was pregnant that I knew it was time to leave. I sold the rights to “Crank Dat” to some guy with Down’s syndrome in Atlanta and moved to a ghetto called Carroll County where I continued to release rap music for a few more years. I now sell drugs because I’ve been told that’s the “tight” and “fresh” thing to do, and I really want people to describe me using those adjectives.

But more than anything, I want people to think that I’m black. Sometimes I color my face with a permanent marker before going out in public. I also wear pink panties on my head.

Music:

My newest album will be available in stores everywhere next Summer. It’s about Martin Lawrence, leader of the civil-rights movement and an inspiration to black people like me everywhere. Here’s a sneak-peak at some of the songs:

My Dead Girlfriend:

She’s got rigor-mortise from her head to her toe,
Her titty’s always hard,
And her flow is always cold.
She’s my dead girlfriend.

More coming soon, nigger.

The following is an SMS conversation that occurred shortly after I decided to swap his phone for a copy of Twilight. Enjoy.

Me — Hello Josh. I, too, would really like for you to have your phone back, unfortunately I traded it to a hobo for a “Twilight” dvd, which wasn’t very good. Sorry.

Josh — I dont even kno who this is but ur pissing me the fuck off!

Me — I can empathize with you. I regret trading it now, because Twilight wasn’t that good… But I suppose the hobo needs the phone more than I do, so I feel okay.

Josh — I am pissed off so dont expect me to take this as a joke!

Me — Oh, I apologize for offending you. I just didn’t really like it, that’s all. But if you’re a Twilight fan, that’s cool with me. Team Edward or team Jacob?

Josh — Go Fuck yourself, how about that.

Me — Team Bella, then? I like Edward. But I’ve heard that if I watch the second movie, I’ll be more team Jacob. Unfortunately, I don’t have another phone to trade.

Me — Do you have another cellphone that I can borrow?

Josh — Ok. Jokes over, i want my phone back. If u dont give it back to me then u hav stolen it.

Me — Josh, I just called the hobo and we have agree to do a trade back. He said that phone still works, but the screen was already broken which I doubt.

Me — Regardless, I’m on my way to meet him now.

Josh — That sounds good.

Me — I admire your optimistic attitude, Josh. Hopefully the screen isn’t too broken, but I brought some duct tape with me just in case. I think I can fix it.

Josh — Thanks. When can u bring it by?

Me — Well, I just got it back from the hobo. He was nice and smelled like fish. I will trade it to you for a copy of the second Twilight movie on dvd, okay?

Josh — Okay just bring it by and we can make the exchange.

Me — Fantastic. After I drop the phone off, we can both watch New Moon togeather and admire the cute guys.

Josh — Sounds like an idea. When can u b here?

Me — Actually, the first movie sucked, and I don’t expect the guys in the second one to be any cuter, so I think I will keep the phone. Bye.

Josh — No. Actualy i think it would b best if u gave the phone back.

Me — Reimburse me for the cost of the duct tape and I will.

Josh — I think that wil work.

Me — Alright, it’s a deal. After calling so many sex hotlines, I’m pretty much bored with it anyway. I will give it back to you Friday. Later.

Josh — Ok

Dear Mr. Anderson,

Please let me know when you will be able to pay for YRGB.com. Please note that I accept payments only from verified Paypal accounts

- shortdomainnames

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: shortdomainnames
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-17-09 11:20:00 PST

Hello,

Sorry about the late response. I accidentally spent all of my money on drugs and hookers, so it took me a while to scrape another $$$ togeather.

Regardless, I just sent the payment via PayPal (eCheck) and you should receive it no later than December 22nd.

Please let me know when you plan to transfer the domain name to my account.

Thanks again,
Mr. Anderson

.

From: shortdomainnames
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-17-09 11:23:17 PST

I will be able to transfer the name only after payment is cleared. I will need your Godaddy username and email to transfer the domain.

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: shortdomainnames
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-17-09 14:45:25 PST

My customer number is ######## and my email is ——-@gmail.com

You’re not going to hack my account, are you? One time I read about a computer hacker named Kevin Bacon who broke into the Internet and stole a website or something and I really don’t want that to happen to me.

Regards,
Mr. Anderson

.

From: shortdomainnames
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-22-09 10:59:13 PST

You paypal echeck has cleared and I now have pushed YRGB.com to your Godaddy account.

Important! You must now log in to your account and accept the domain in Pending Account Changes. If you don’t accept domain, transfer will not be finished.

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: shortdomainnames
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-23-09 00:37:43 PST

Again, thank you. It’s always been a dream of mine to own a successful porn site, and I believe I’ve taken that all-important first step to doing so.

Come to think of it, now that I’ve spent all of my money on this domain name, how will I pay my actors? Would you, by any chance, be willing to dress up as a woman and preform acts of intercourse on camera?

I will pay you in Neopoints, as that is the only type of currency I have left.

.

From: shortdomainnames
To: Mr. Anderson
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-23-09 08:30:07 PST

without comments…

.

From: Mr. Anderson
To: shortdomainnames
Subject: You’ve received an answer to your question [...]
Sent Date: Dec-23-09 08:55:00 PST

There will be cake.