The following is a conversation via text message between my friend Mariah and my “girlfriend” after I left my cellphone at her house by mistake. Apparently she likes to screw around with people just as much as I do! What are the odds?

Mariah: Bonjour! ;) 3:05 PM

Me: Hi. 8:14 PM

Mariah: Are you okay? 8:16 PM

Me: Who is this? 8:19 PM

Mariah: I’m really nobody. Just a texting buddy. 8:20 PM

Me: Um, no. Who the fuck are you and why are you texting my boyfriend? 8:21 PM

Mariah: Ha. I’m telling you the truth. I dont even know where in the world you live! Sometimes i just text him when i’m bored. It’s mainly one sided. So no worries. 8:23 PM

Me: So you don’t know who he is but you text him when you’re bored? Yeah right liar. Fuck off. 8:27 PM

Mariah: Haha. I’m not kidding. I have never net him and never will! I don’t see why you’re treating me as a threat. Insecure much? And for that matter, why don’t you just ask him! Mind the profanity please, lets have some class. 8:29 PM

Me: Bitch let me tell you something. You don’t talk shit to me like that. I will kick your ass. 8:37 PM

Mariah: Haha. If I recall correctly, I have not said one derogatory thing, yes? So I take it that you didn’t ask him, huh? It’s sad really..take my advice? Don’t be so irrational. 8:39 PM

Me: So what do you talk to him about anyway? 8:53 PM

Mariah: Nothing really. Just about school or if i’m having a bad day. My friends, issues and stuff. It’s just nice to talk to someone who has no idea who you are they can’t really judge you. You know? And even if they do, you can’t tell. I told you you had nothing to worry about. Just friends is all, if you even want to cal it that. 8:57 PM

Me: Oh my God. I fucking KNEW he was cheating on me. How long has this been going on?! 9:05 PM

Mariah: Ha. I don’t know november. But listen, i’m telling the truth! I text him. That is the extent and limit! It’s about nothing! By the way, why don’t you look up my area code. You’ll see for yourself it’s geographically impossible. Really, he is not cheating on you! I’m not that kind of person. 9:08 PM

Me: I am literally in tears right now. He said he loved me! He shouldn’t be talking to other girls! 9:15 PM

Mariah: No!! Listen, I mean I don’t know you, but i’m sure he does! Honest, I have never never never seen him in person or anything! You have to trust me, I would never want you to shed tears over this! Nothing is happening! I’m just a friend! Please believe me, okay? Why would you think he is cheating on you?? 9:18 PM

Me: Well one time I saw him kissing another girl behind a staircase but he said he was just practicing for a church play. Another time I found a bra under his bed but he said it was a joke from his friends. But I know he wouldn’t be texting another girl unless he was cheating. That is taking it too far. 9:34 PM

Mariah: Listen..i mean i can stop texting him. But hear me out, nothing is going on. I’m so sorry that all that has happened to you. It does seem suspicious. And I know it’s asking a lot to want to keep texting him but i understand completely if you say no. I’ve been in a similar situation like this, i know how you feel. I’m so sorry. But hey you can talk to me about it if you want. He is definitely not cheating on you with me. But if you need someone to talk to. i don’t mind, k? 9:40 PM

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’re a lesbian. My bad. 9:49 PM

Mariah: Ha. I’m not. Think what you will. I’m hetero. I’m just a nice person is all. Maybe that is why I get taken advantage of so much. See? I have sympathy for you and I don’t even know you! And you just called me a lesbian! So what are you going to do about your cheating boyfriend? 9:54 PM

Me: My boyfriend is not cheating on me, lesbo. Fuck off. 9:59 PM

Mariah: Haha. Don’t be mad because he only wants one thing from you. Rather than confronting him about this problem..i bet you’re too scared to say anything. Sad, really. I bet he talks to me more than you. I can read you like an open book, a classic case of insecurity. Oh, and for the record, you were the one who first said he was cheating not me. So why deny it now? Stop acting like you know whats going on, you have no idea and that is what scares you most. 10:04 PM

Me: Whatever. 10:28 PM

Mariah: Suddenly you don’t have much to say. Sad. I think we had a nice chat, no? However, i have early engagements in the morning and am going to sleep. Sweet dreams. Hope he stops cheating on you. That’s got to suck! 10:30 PM

Me: Fuck you. 10:31 PM