Every Monday night, I play the part of taxi driver at the local community center. I get paid a few dollars to take a group of kids to their home, McDonalds, drug dealer, or wherever else the assholes want to go. And I always considered it an unwritten rule that anything left in my car becomes my property. My friend Josh found this out the hard way when he carelessly left his cellphone behind.

The following is an SMS conversation that occurred shortly after I decided to swap his phone for a copy of Twilight. Enjoy.

Me — Hello Josh. I, too, would really like for you to have your phone back, unfortunately I traded it to a hobo for a “Twilight” dvd, which wasn’t very good. Sorry.

Josh — I dont even kno who this is but ur pissing me the fuck off!

Me — I can empathize with you. I regret trading it now, because Twilight wasn’t that good… But I suppose the hobo needs the phone more than I do, so I feel okay.

Josh — I am pissed off so dont expect me to take this as a joke!

Me — Oh, I apologize for offending you. I just didn’t really like it, that’s all. But if you’re a Twilight fan, that’s cool with me. Team Edward or team Jacob?

Josh — Go Fuck yourself, how about that.

Me — Team Bella, then? I like Edward. But I’ve heard that if I watch the second movie, I’ll be more team Jacob. Unfortunately, I don’t have another phone to trade.

Me — Do you have another cellphone that I can borrow?

Josh — Ok. Jokes over, i want my phone back. If u dont give it back to me then u hav stolen it.

Me — Josh, I just called the hobo and we have agree to do a trade back. He said that phone still works, but the screen was already broken which I doubt.

Me — Regardless, I’m on my way to meet him now.

Josh — That sounds good.

Me — I admire your optimistic attitude, Josh. Hopefully the screen isn’t too broken, but I brought some duct tape with me just in case. I think I can fix it.

Josh — Thanks. When can u bring it by?

Me — Well, I just got it back from the hobo. He was nice and smelled like fish. I will trade it to you for a copy of the second Twilight movie on dvd, okay?

Josh — Okay just bring it by and we can make the exchange.

Me — Fantastic. After I drop the phone off, we can both watch New Moon togeather and admire the cute guys.

Josh — Sounds like an idea. When can u b here?

Me — Actually, the first movie sucked, and I don’t expect the guys in the second one to be any cuter, so I think I will keep the phone. Bye.

Josh — No. Actualy i think it would b best if u gave the phone back.

Me — Reimburse me for the cost of the duct tape and I will.

Josh — I think that wil work.

Me — Alright, it’s a deal. After calling so many sex hotlines, I’m pretty much bored with it anyway. I will give it back to you Friday. Later.

Josh — Ok